Let's be real.

Motherhood.

This is something very sensitive for me to talk about. It has never been an easy subject. I struggle with sharing my thoughts and feelings, my doubts and fear, because I just do not want to be judge, especially judged as a mother. Stepping into motherhood was a very challenging change for me. Physically and mentally. I had moments of weakness where I felt broken and alone, trapped in my own head, questioning my ability and inability to parent. Or if I even really liked it at all.

You have to love parenting, you have to love being a mother, you have to love every minute with your child. That is the expectation, so you nod, and you agree, and you tell yourself and others how amazing motherhood is, but...

Lets be real. Motherhood is hard.

For awhile, I did not speak about it, I did not know how to explain it, unable to pinpoint exactly what made me sad or why I was sad. I just felt sad. But that was not the honest truth, I was sad because I felt judged for the fear of being a bad mother, for not knowing what I was doing, for not wanting to be with my child all the time, for wanting to have my own life sometimes. It was guilt, it was doubt, and any comment that were said made me weak inside. For awhile, I thought the world around me was judging me and I had to prove them wrong. I thought I was fighting a battle against others, but really, that whole time I was fighting a battle against myself. All those fears, thoughts, judgements.. they were my very own.

It wasn't until I said it out loud and shared how I felt that I made it all so real. I talked about having these pockets of sadness and sometimes feeling like I was in a very dark place, one that made me want to just disappear and retract from the world. It was after I talked about it that I felt normal. I was reassured that it was normal to feel this way. To question myself, to question the change, and to even question motherhood. It is life changing. You are not only bringing a new life into the world, you are responsible for this being, and still responsible for you own self. You have to alter your whole routine and your needs and wants. It all changes the moment you bring this baby home, and although you knew this was going to happen, you are not mentally prepared for it.

So yes, motherhood is hard, especially in the first year, BUT it gets better. It is now a part of my identity, it is who I am and who I love to be. I still have moments of weakness, I am sure we all do, but now I know, it is normal. So for all those moms out there who may feel like this, talk about it. Talking about it gave me comfort in knowing that I was not alone.  It has made me a stronger person, mentally and emotionally. It has changed my outlook in life, my attitude about others' remarks or comments, whether they meant it or not, it does not affect me (as much) because I am more confident as a mother, the mother that I am, not the mother I thought I was expected to be.

Love

I have felt many different layers of love in my lifetime. Each layer overlapping the next, making it stronger every time. As it thickens, it evolves and manifests into something not only felt, but also lived.

As a child, my first layer of love was given from my parents. They showered me with hugs and kisses, they gave me comfort and a provided me with protection. Their warmth and care helped me grow and thrive. Their love was felt but not yet understood.

As I grew older and started school, I soon learned a new type of love, a love of friends. I was introduced to new people, new social environment, and all without my parents, my first love. It was then that I interacted with new personalities that helped me to build my own. Although this love with not like my parents, unconditional and with no stipulations or bargains, it was one I worked for and felt satisfied with when received. This love was one that allowed me to understand that it was not just given, it needed to be earned.

Then as I grew older and into my adolescent, I started to question this thing they called love. This layer took a some time to build but it was one that remained with me the longest. My understanding of love grew towards the opposite sex, and it was one I was not familiar with. It did not feel like the love I had experience from my family and friends, which felt so easy. This love was stronger and shook me to my core. This was when I learned that love can be fragile and broken. I was tested and although there were many times I failed, I got better at passing the test each time. The fall was hard but the lessons were learned. Love was then something I treasured because I knew how painful it can be with the wrong person and how high it would make me feel with the right one.

This layer, the one I am experiencing now, as a mother, a parent, is the layer of love that tops it all off. This love is so raw, so real, it penetrates right to my heart. My kids make my heart melt, their happiness lights up my life, their laughter makes me whole, their life makes me, ME. They have given me a love so strong it healed all wounds and cemented all cracks and holes in my quest with love. This love showed me that love itself has so many layers, felt in so many ways, and with so many different people. This love although separates from all love I have ever felt, reminded me of my very first love, my parents.

There are so many layers of love that builds us individually, but no matter what love we experience, it always comes back in full circle that connects us all together.

  

Inspire

The path of life is filled with beauty, colors, and dreams. It is full of movement, dimension, and layers of emotion. As you travel, things will catch your eyes, cross your path, and inspire you. It will tug at your heart and touch your soul. It will lead you to new roads and mold you as you wonder new beginnings. Inspirations moves your body like the wind, it carries your mind to infinite places and allows you to create a world infused with passion and love. It will give you direction, purpose, and most importantly, a sense of self.  So as you walk down this path, look around you, touch everything in sight, feel the magic, and get inspired. I promise you, you will view the world differently. 

Thank you for inspiring me.

What inspires you?